


remains

by TrainRush



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [22]
Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: ? something like that, Angst, Character Study, Family Bonding, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Missing Scene, Reunions, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, depression! depression! depression!, gore-y ideation?, part Fire Spirit Conductor yet again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29645817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrainRush/pseuds/TrainRush
Summary: DAY 22: burnedsome people sayour bodies live foreverso what remains of me?—(or, alternatively, the Conductor reunites with his mother after the 52nd annual bird movie awards.)
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105115
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	remains

The award ceremony was over.

DJ Grooves had been declared the winner of the 52nd Annual Bird Movie Awards.

Which meant the Conductor had lost the bet he’d made with himself.

When the Conductor had been in the planning stages for this year’s movies, he’d outlined a few things that would happen. He would cast, film, edit, and release Murder on the Owl Express. Then, he would cast and film Train Rush. He had originally anticipated to die or at least get fatally injured in the filming of Train Rush, so he hadn’t planned much past that point. But what he did plan was that if he survived by some incredible stroke of luck, he would blow himself up with a leftover bomb from his train the same day.

When he did survive, the Conductor was stunned and disoriented. He planned to execute his backup plan. But the work that was forced upon him after the filming of Train Rush was too exhausting and too deliberating, and he was forced to push back his suicide for several days until eventually he came upon an ultimatum. His final plan. If he won this Annual Bird Movie Award, he would discard the bomb and stay alive. If he lost, he would ride out on his train the night of the Awards and blow himself up in the middle of the desert.

The Conductor stared out the front window of his train. Although crowds of people had questioned him and closed in on him on his way from the Award Ceremony and out to the station, he had made it, with his train too fast for any news car to catch up to. The dunes of the desert rolled past his train as it sped along the tracks. The Conductor took in every last second of it — every grain of sand — as he rode on his train for one last time. He took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and then released. This was it.

A small part of him filled with melancholy. That was the last time he would ever see DJ Grooves and Hat Kid. With DJ Grooves up high on a stage, smiling, the happiest he’s ever been, and Hat Kid, standing with him. The only two people that were still close to him, and he’d already said his goodbyes. He almost wanted to go back and wish them a more formal farewell, but it was too late. It hardly mattered, anyway. He’d left them something nice in his note. A thank you, of sorts.

The Conductor had previously decided where he’d wanted to pull his train over and stop. It was a little along the border of Subcon, where there was a good clearing of land between the desert and the border. It was far enough out that no one, not even travelers or hikers, could reach. No one but him and his train. He’d rode his train close to this part of the border several times, and he’d even stopped occasionally before. It was a beautiful clearing, with the canopy of trees just parting to let moonlight through. There were even small white flowers growing around, delicately dancing with every small breeze that hit them. Of course, everything died when they hit the Subcon border, but it was beautiful enough on the living side. It was almost funny, in a way, that it was where the Conductor had chosen to die. A hidden metaphor of sorts.

Eventually, he noted a change in the pattern of the trees, and the Conductor prepared his train to stop. At long last, he was approaching the clearing. He smiled a little. Yet a part of him still twisted with fear. Perhaps it was not knowing of what would come after death, or maybe it was of the pain that would precede it. He didn't know. He didn’t care.

The Conductor's beloved train came to a stop, and he walked across the room to a small toolbox that sat in the corner. Lifting the top, he smiled at the sight of the bomb that laid within it. The true solution to all of his problems. It almost made him laugh, how simple and obvious it was. He couldn’t believe it took him this long to figure it out.

Picking up the toolbox, the Conductor took a walk through his train one last time, admiring the handiwork, before finally leaving through the back. Stepping down, he gave his train one last solid pat. Maybe he’d see it in whatever afterlife he was going to. If he were even going to a nice place at all.

The Conductor entered the clearing, looking around. Every small blade of grass and every flower whistled and chimed in the cool breeze of the night. A small layer of fog coated the grass, giving the area an almost mystical feel. It was truly a beautiful place to die in. The Conductor almost felt bad that soon it would be coated with his charred remains. Whereas the place now smelled of lightly damp grass and flowers, it would soon smell of burned and rotting flesh. The Conductor wrinkled his nose a little at the thought. He mentally apologized in advance to whoever would find his remains first.

The night bore on and the Conductor was suddenly hit with a bolt of haste. He needed to hurry before someone would try and find him, because the news and paparazzi sure would. With as much care as he could with quick hands, the Conductor lifted the bomb from the toolbox and strapped it to himself, being careful to position it in a way that he would definitely die immediately from the blast. He didn’t want to be fighting for his life in a hospital bed afterwards. His life wasn’t even worth fighting for. 

With everything secured and perfectly in place, the Conductor took a deep breath. Standing in the center of the clearing, he looked down at the setup strapped to his chest and, after just a moment of hesitation, pressed the button to start the countdown to his demise. A timer for 90 seconds appeared on the screen of the apparatus. 90 seconds until he’d finally be dead.

90 seconds. But how to spend them? Would he spend them thinking about his life? The people he’d loved and lost? What had brought him to this point? But he already knew what had brought him to this point. He’d had childhood dreams of growing up and becoming a movie director. Both of his parents supported his aspirations, but his mother left before he could turn 10 and his father was always absent. All throughout his school life, he worked himself to the point of perfection to achieve his dreams so that his parents would notice him and be proud of him. When he’d finally achieved his dreams and bought out a studio, he discovered that he and DJ Grooves had been scammed, having been given identical keys. The two agreed to split the studio.

Time was running out. Why was he wasting so much time?

Not many years after he bought his studio, he married and had a daughter. But due to his perfectionistic and hardworking nature, movie direction took a difficult toll on his life. He began to turn to anger to solve his problems, taking his issues out on even the most innocent people. Although he never turned on his wife or daughter, his now-ex eventually left him due to him hardly ever being home. Just like his father had been. Like father, like son.

A chime for 60 seconds rang.

Everyone seemed to turn against him. Every relationship he’d tried to hold from that point on soured. Everyone hated him. Their hatred bled into him, and he turned on everyone else as well, fully indulging himself in his fury. He even turned on DJ Grooves, who had been there for him since the beginning. Their friendly rivalry turned into them becoming enemies. Even DJ Grooves began to hate him.

Then the Conductor turned to drinking and… other unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of his everyday life. None of it helped. At year 42, everything finally crashed. Not only did the weight of everything hit the Conductor, but his dad also passed away. He was left with nothing. Absolutely nothing… except his train, which his dad passed down to him, and his daughter. Ever since that year, he vowed that he would take care of his dad’s train and honor him in any way that he could. This included making movies with the train. And thus, he turned to westerns.

30 seconds.

But nothing got better. Not in the slightest. Eight years later, his daughter died. It was then that he realized that he was all alone. He had no person to turn to. Everyone who had ever cared about him was either dead, gone, or hated him. It was around then that he finally became suicidal. He had nothing left. He just wanted to die. Not even movie directing had any charm anymore. In fact, as much as he loved it, it had just about ruined his life. He hardly cared for it anymore.

Train Rush failed. That time he’d tried hanging himself with his own tie had failed. Would this fail? Certainly not. There was nothing in his way. No possible way for him to survive now.

He took a deep breath, held it, cherished it, and sighed. Everything would be over now. The curtains would close and the credits would roll on his own life. This was it. This was truly the end.

10 seconds. 10…

At the sound of the 10 second mark, his thoughts sped up a little. Did he really want to do with this? He couldn’t go back now, could he?

9…

Would it hurt? Of course it would, but not for much time. There would be a flash of pain, and then nothing else. Then there would only be the dark peace of eternity.

8…

What were Hat Kid and DJ Grooves doing right now? Celebrating, for sure. He was glad. They deserved it. They deserved to be happy.

7…

Come to think of it, those two really did deserve the world. Especially DJ Grooves. The lad had been at his side for all those years. He would get a wonderful break with the Conductor’s death.

6…

The Conductor closed his eyes. Six seconds. Just six seconds. He could already feel his chest heating up. Just six seconds until a beautiful burst of fire and then nothing else. A beautiful rain of blood and charred flesh.

5…

Just him and the fire. It would be so magnificent. So wonderful. So glorious. What a perfect way to end his life. With a wondrous bang and then nothing else.

4…

Was this his Fire Spirit heritage speaking?

3…

He supposed they were near the Subcon border. It was strangely warm.

2…

He bid his life one last farewell.

1-

But a sound other than the tick of the bomb filled the air. A click sound, followed by the sudden release of weight from his body. An almost floaty feeling enveloped the Conductor as he breathed. What had happened? What was going on? The timer was supposed to wish him goodbye before it exploded. ...Did it explode? Was he in the afterlife? What was this floaty feeling?

He opened his eyes.

All around him, a warm fire coated the trees and swept across the floor. It burned a cool red, licking at his ankles. With the way it danced, it almost seemed to gesture an invitation. As though it wanted him to join them in the dance of the flames. Yet down around his ankles, completely dismantled and defused, was the bomb that he had strapped to his chest. His heart pounded. What had happened?

_Why was he glowing?_

The Conductor noticed his feathers glowing bright gold. They shone almost as brilliantly as the flames around him. For a moment, he was confused.

And then he saw.

In front of him was a Fire Spirit, carefully treading through the flames towards him. Upon seeing their gently glowing figure, the Conductor felt a sharp pang of familiarity hit him. Innate nostalgia. The spirit approached him until they stood right in front of him. Carefully, they held up a paw and brushed the feathers on his face, smiling at him. The realization hit the Conductor like a knife through his chest. Tears welled up in his eyes.

“...Ma?”

The Fire Spirit nodded, her smile becoming a little lopsided with happiness. At once, the Conductor flung himself at her, hugging his mother with all his weight. He sobbed his eyes out into her fur, hardly minding how the fire around them burned him. He sobbed, out of not only pain for what had been, but for what could have been as well. He cried the whole weight of the emotions he’d been carrying for all those years of his life, letting them overtake him. And his mother gently held him with a calm hospitality that only a mother could possess. She gently whispered affirmations to him, mutters of ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I’m here.’

Eventually, the Conductor’s sobs cleared, the dark clouds that had fogged his mind parting way for him to recover. He slowly recomposed himself, gathering the strength to break away from the embrace he’d locked himself in. He rubbed his face on his sleeve and looked up.

“Why are you here?” he muttered.

“I was nearby. I felt your presence at the border,” she said. She glanced back into the forest behind her before turning back. “When I got here, I quickly realized…”

When his mother’s words trailed off, the Conductor felt a strike of guilt hit his heart. He began to well up with tears again.

She held his face. “That is no way to die.”

And the Conductor began to cry again. Now, it was the Fire Spirit’s turn to gently take him into her hold. The Conductor’s tears cleared quicker this time; having exhausted himself from his last breakdown, he didn’t have much energy to use. When his sobs subsided now, he remained in the Fire Spirit’s embrace.

“You don’t understand,” he choked. “There’s nothing left. I have no one. I’ve- I’ve sabotaged everything with my own two hands.”

The Fire Spirit paused for a moment, thinking. Then, she took his face into her hands again, kneeling down. “My son, you are my shining star. When I look into your future, I see nothing but peace and happiness. You simply need to be patient. The universe likes to take its time.”

“But I _have_ waited,” the Conductor said. “I’ve waited so long, and things have only gotten worse.”

The Fire Spirit turned her head to the sky. “The stars do not act without reason. Sometimes the story they craft for us is unfair, but they hardly write a story with no happy end. Each stroke that the stars make with their brushes is done with purpose to make our lives into beautiful paintings.” She looked back down at him. “You have survived this far because the universe has plans for you. And that is why I see beauty in your future, dear.”

 _“How?”_ the Conductor pleaded. “I just don’t understand how things can get better.”

“The stars work in mysterious ways. But they find a way. Sometimes it’s a person. Sometimes it’s an opportunity. Sometimes it’s a conversation.” The Fire Spirit gestured vaguely.

“But I have no one.”

“You have me, don’t you?” the Fire Spirit asked. They smiled a little. “I know I am not the best example, but there is always _someone._ Whether you know it or not, there is always _someone_ who is there for you. It is never too late to connect, or to make amends, if necessary.”

The Conductor went quiet now. DJ Grooves crossed his mind. The more he thought about their interactions, the more he realized that the other had never actively said mean-spirited things to him. At least, never directly to his face. Grooves wouldn’t talk behind his back, would he? No, he was too kind-hearted for that.

“I can tell you’re thinking about someone,” his mother chimed with a smile. The Conductor nodded sheepishly. “You see? There is always someone.”

The Conductor sniffled a little, rubbing his face with his sleeve again. This was a lot for him to process. At the same time, he felt as though he understood everything.

There was a noise in the distance, and his mother’s head snapped up for a moment, ears flicking in the direction of the sound. She turned back to him with a sad smile. 

“I wish our time could last longer, but I must go.” She seemed to think for a moment before embracing the Conductor one last time. “Please remember for me that even in your darkest moments, someone really cares about you, okay?” She smiled. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Even if you cannot see me.”

She released him, and the Conductor couldn’t help but wish the hug had lasted a little longer. The Fire Spirit before him smiled and turned to leave, but the Conductor called out first.

“Ma?”

She turned around.

“I love you.”

The Fire Spirit smiled again, returning to press a small kiss into the Conductor’s head.

“I love you too, dear.”

She raised herself back up again before sprinting back away into the forest. She seemed to take the fire that lit up the clearing around him with her, and she ran until the bright flames that had once surrounded him were a mere speck on the horizon.

The Conductor stared after her, stunned a little. He blinked away the remains of tears on his face and smiled a little.

He picked up the discarded bomb on the ground beneath him and put it back into the toolbox he’d carried it in, walking back towards his train.

Tomorrow, after a nice, long rest, he’d have a conversation with DJ Grooves.


End file.
